Karen's Crossing ~~Thy Will Not My Will

Around the door of time lies another Easter to be celebrated. This year as my cancer spreads the Easter stories in the Bible take on a different light shining in my heart. It points me to the garden where Jesus prayed.

Reading about Jesus' time in Gethsemane in Matthew 26:36-44 really showed me something. Jesus himself was about to face death and He knew it. He went into the garden that day to pray. First thing He told his disciples were "sit here while I go over there to pray."

After that Jesus began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. He told the disciples with Him that His soul was exceedingly sorrowful even to death. Next He went a little further and fell on His face praying, "O my Father, if it is possible let this cup pass from Me, nevertheless, not as I will but as You will."

A second and a third time Jesus went off and prayed the same words. Saying, "Father, if this cup cannot pass away from me unless I drink it, Your will be done."

Reading how even the Son of God was exceedingly sorrowful and distressed helps me with my own grief haunting me inside. And instead of telling God, "one more memory with my family Lord. One more memory with my family," I should be saying, "Thy will not mine be done."

As hard as it is to deal with the grief of dying it helps me to know even Jesus shared those emotions. He demonstrated in the garden how to deal with it by giving it up to God's will not His own. I know when I do that I will hear in my heart what was said to the thief on the cross. "Today, soon, or even some day you will be with Me in paradise." Luke 23:43.

Karen's Crossing~~~permission to Rise Above The Storm

Recently in a devastating catastrophe an airplane facing a violent storm crashed into the Java sea. AirAsia flight QZ8501 came down on December 28, 2014 after attempting its final option of requesting permission to fly above the storm.

According to the news the request was denied because there were so many others getting permission ahead of them getting the same permission in the same area. From there only the black boxes of the airplane know the true secret of what happened next. The one thing that brought the plane to its final resting place on the ocean's bottom.

Spiritually we need to put in the same request the pilot did that day but to the Lord. Permission to fly above life's storms. Storms in life are inevitable, we can't get around some and others intensity are almost unbearable.

Storms such as relationship issues, money problems, health difficulties, rebellious teenagers, job hunting and so much more. All are storms we find ourselves facing. To one person they may be a devastating event while others see them as some whirlwind of circumstances.


Things that can effect our view of things can be our attitude, our level of trust, our spiritual maturity, and our faith in God. When we have these things it makes going through storms much easier. However, we will hit storms that are much bigger in intensity and we may need to ask God permission if we can rise above the storm.

In my last visit with my doctor he told me my cancer didn't look good. The three measuring sticks he uses to come to that conclusion I flunked each one. For two years my family had gone through these storms over and over again. I could tell this one wasn't going to go by without leaving some kind of damage.

Doing the best I could behind a curtain of tears I asked God permission to rise above the storm. To be strong and not let this recent news get to me nor my family. One by one the grandkids are beginning to show signs of reality and what was going on.

Aubrey one day was at my blood transfusion staring down at the floor. She told me, grandma I didn't think it would happen this fast." What do you mean, I asked her. "The oxygen and the hair loss and the hospital rooms" she replied back. My heart just broke and if it weren't for strong arteries the blood I was receiving would have seeped all out onto the floor. 

Then recently my seventeen year old granddaughter got on a website where you can plug in your picture and your boyfriends picture to see what your kids will look like. They wanted me to see what my great grandkids would look like before I die.  Stopped again in its tracks was my heart overflowing with the pain they were feeling yet with the love I am feeling from them. 

A cake from Brooke and a daily call asking me how my day was going. Anthony's gentlemen gestures to help me thru a door or up a stair and other random acts of love. Each one serving as their cry out to ask God permission to rise above life's storm of grandma's cancer and to say "We love you. " Grandma loves you too my precious ones. 

The beauty of asking God for such permission is knowing we won't be denied because too many people asked first. It's true though sometimes God allows us to go through storms simply to learn how to trust Him and how to survive. We learn from storms a great deal of things. 

For example, the major storm my head injury and epilepsy caused was something I learned a great deal from. If God had allowed me to rise above it and miss it all together I wouldn't have matured as a Christian like I did. The epilepsy storm prepared me for something much bigger and devastating, the storm of my cancer. 

The biggest thing about rising above life's storms is permission to have a better attitude, to be strong and not collapse under the storms pressure. Also to not be effected by it to the point where the storm has beaten us instead of us withstanding it. 

So my, not so little ones anymore, stay strong. Use God as your anchor. You may have weak moments but that is okay Grandma had plenty. Just lean on Jesus. Trust Him as the captain of your ship. You may get the wind in your face, water in your eyes but you will make it through.    Love you, Grandma

Karen's Crossing~~~Thus So Far

Another chemo day, thus so far another dollar. The day started out with a spark but soon it would change to smoldering coals. As my vitals were taken and the labs drawn it seemed like another mundane visit.

However, that wasn't the case. Two important test results had dropped again. My oxygen level had dropped into the 80's and my red blood cell count went down further into the anemia spectrum. 

Suddenly I qualified for home oxygen and a blood transfusion was also ordered. Surrounded by two granddaughters anxiously paying attention they knew something was wrong. As much as I wanted to cry I just couldn't in front of them. All I could say to myself was, "suck it up Karen and grow up."

I knew in my heart it wasn't a matter of immaturity to cry out at such news but it was the only way I could stop myself in order to remain strong for the girls. The truth was thus so far God had helped me in my journey and tears weren't needed. 

Interestingly enough my sister soon reminded me of that. When she asked how I was feeling. "I quickly told her honestly that, "I wanted to cry." 

Her instant response were words she used against me from my own writing. She reminded about what I had said about my fighter button. Karen she added your fighter button has been thru a lot therefore it was okay to cry. 

To add to that she then sent me the words to a couple of hymnals she loved so dearly. One song stated behind this armor the warrior is a child. A child hiding tears, concealing the things that knocked them down laying them at the Saviors feet. Someone who frequently ran back to the Savior looking for a smile and a renewal of their strength. 

Another hymnal she told me about   was the one that had the name Ebenezer in it. It was a story from 1 Samuel 7:12 where Samuel took a rock and named it Ebenezer which to him meant " Thus far the Lord has helped us." 

Years ago this was a scripture I had used to get me through another difficult time. I even took a rock and wrote 1 Sam 7:12 on it. Whenever times got rough I would raise high my rock named Ebenezer to remind myself that, "thus far God had helped me whether it felt like it or not."

Today was another one if those "it doesn't feel like it day." I even had the evidence to prove I was wrong if I was only willing to look.  For example thus far God has helped me with my epilepsy, my family, my parents care, my cancer, my career, my Christian walk, my writing, my wounds, my healing, my fears, my emotions, my mistakes, my shortcomings, and so much more. 

My help or Ebenezer was there when I needed Him the most and today wasn't going to be any different. My faith and trust still needed to be in Him. Once again it was not time to grow up but a time to raise up my Ebenezer and praise God for what He had done thus far. 

Already listing the things God had helped me with I couldn't help but lift the things I was thankful for. Things like modern medicine, ability to fight, strength from God, my families support, thoughtful grandchildren, caring friends, loving strangers, and more. 

Thus so far God has done well in my life. At birth I wasn't issued a certificate  at the hospital for a mundane life free of pain, showing my address and who my parents were. Nope, no free from pain promises there yet my parents still took me home. 

Spiritually it was the same way, no free from pain promises there either. Instead I was given a certificate showing my spiritual DOB as of July 4th with an address as one who was heavenly bound. Also showing who my parent was, God himself who prepares a place for me so that He too can take me home when it's time. 

To Him be the glory who is the lifter of my head. The one who 'thus far' has seen me thru a lot and tomorrow's blood transfusion will be no different. Therefore as I rest my weary head on the pillow of my Ebenezer I am comforted. 

So together let us raise our Ebenezer's and acknowledge, thus far God has helped us and will continue to do so no matter what the circumstances. Praise the Lord. 

Copyright 2015 Karen J Gillett @ Pencil Marks and Recipes Publishing 

Karen's Crossing~~~A Full Plate

It was time for another trip to the doctor 's office. Leaving two patients alone in the chemotherapy room appeared dangerous today. Dangerous in the fact that the longer the lady next to me and I sat waiting for our treatment the more we began to giggle. Soon laughter was rolling around in the air and nurses began to dance to the tune of our silliness. At the end of our disruption we suddenly determined the fact that clinic was the one place where they keep asking you to come back in, in spite of your hang ups.

After raising chaos in the chemo room it was time to see the doctor.  The news he had or me was my RBC count was dropping, anemia was still an issue.  However, that wasn't where the list stopped. When he did stop he paused for a minute and asked me how my "fighter" was. After all, he added, 'you have a lot on your plate. You've had it pretty rough." 

When I got home I thought about what the doctor had said. As I thought I began to list the things on my plate. It wasn't like the plate a kid might fill. A plate where mom and dad can tell them they have a little too much on it so they need to choose what to put back.

Unfortunately sometimes it isn't as easy as that to do. Some things we find on our plate are naturally there, there by choice or by accident or by the luck of life's draw. They can be too much of a good thing and not enough of another.  

As I stared down at my plate I just created I looked intensely at the things I would like to take off. Through tears and anguish I quickly filled the top six on my list. They were my four cancers, which in turn would make medication maintenance and chemo treatments number five and six. 

As Jesus dealt with His anguish of asking God to remove what He was going through so did I (Mathew 26:39). In tears I cried out as Jesus did asking if it was possible to let the six things on my list pass from me and permanently be taken from my plate. 

It was there I felt a pause in my prayer. I had prayed as Jesus did but not completely. I stopped before adding the part, 'not as I will but as Your will be done.'  As much as I wanted a lighter plate it was going to have to be up to God and I needed to accept that. 

Life happens and we find ourselves holding a full plate. Our job is to not add unnecessary things to an already full load. Recently one thing I added unknowingly was the loss of my hair. Little did I know I wasn't accepting the inevitable. I was mourning the loss one hair at a time. Finally after breaking down I cut my hair and latter my husband shaved it for me to make it look better. 

The deal is, I needed to be like the lady and I were in the chemo room. I needed to be spending my time waiting for God in praise and laughter making those around me to join in song and dance. Dancing to the tune of 1 Corinthians 10:13 where we are promised by God that He won't give us more than we can bear. Praise the Lord. 

This is why, Jesus is the one, who like the clinic, is willing to ask us back no matter how goofy we are or worldly in our worries and fear. Therefore in a last attempt to hold up my full plate properly I cried out again and again:

Come Jesus help me hold my plate.
Come Jesus lighten my load.
Come, Jesus I am waiting
Come Jesus the Savior I know. 




Copyright March 2015 Karen J Gillett @ Pencil Marks and Recipes Publishing 
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Karen's Crossing~~~Good Courage

And David said to his son Solomon, "Be strong and of good courage, and do it; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the Lord God—my God—will be with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you, until you have finished all the work for the service of the house of the Lord.  1 Chron 28:20. 

According to Webster courage means the ability to do something you know is difficult or dangerous. Mental or moral strength to venture, preserve, and withstand danger, fear, and difficulty.  A description God uses in His word for courage (Bravery, daring, guts) is the descriptive word "good."

There's a lot of things in life that takes courage. To bungee cord jump off a bridge takes courage. To skydive from an airplane takes courage. To raise a child takes courage. To face the unknown takes courage. To face cancer or any long term illness takes courage. 

If you look at the list some of the things listed take courage that last long enough to get to the end of the task such as bungee jumping or skydiving. The others there is no end and thus courage must continue on. In order for courage to do us any good it must be a good courage that will last as long as the difficulty does and even beyond. 

False courage out of a bottle won't do. Fake courage from a candy bar or drugs or anything else other than God won't do either. We aren't meant to stand alone and be brave. We need God's strength to see us through. Good courage is a lasting courage. One that will eventually get us through that which we needed to face. 

Recently when I had to face my hair loss one day I thought I had ran out of courage. Waking up from a nap I looked at the mirror and started to cry and cry. As I reached for the scissors I began to whack away at my hair. The task of watching my hair slowly fall out was draining away on the backside of the courage I had left to handle such difficulty. 

At first I wanted it to fall out because my grandkids could see my two brain surgery scars. Unfortunately what it showed was scars being left behind from my cancer adventure. Little did I know they were there and what courage I had was soon to be gone. It was time for a new storage of good courage, the lasting kind not the kind that was false, fake, or non-lasting. 

In spite of feeling as if I couldn't laugh anymore it was time to step up boldly to God's throne and renew that courage and strength it was going to take to endure. With the help of prayers from myself and others as well as encouragement the supply Of courage I once thought was lost was found. 

As I look back now the bump in the road that had me temporarily stopped was overcome. The blocked view of what was ahead has become clear. I know in my heart, thanks to Jesus, each time I have to bungee jump off the bridge of dealing with cancer to face new news I will do so in the courage and strength God supplies. 

Why? Because I am promised I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippines 4:13. As long as I go through Him it will be a good and everlasting courage. Praise the Lord. 

Copyright 2015 Karen J Gillett @ Pencil Marks and Recipes Publishing

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Karen's Crossing~~~ God's Not Dead

Just as the day was lined with busyness and laughter it looked like it was going to follow us into the evening. After trying on grandma's wigs and watching their grandpa model one too the grandkids and I settled down to watch a movie they wanted me to see.

Little did I know what had started out a funny evening was soon going to turn into one of tears. Tears of joy as well as pain as the movie was one of great value and worth. 

It was the movie I had missed in the theatre when it first came out. The movie called "God's not Dead." Interesting enough when the movie was in the theater I was all ready to see it. Hot in my pocket was the money I had set aside to take my grandkids to it.

Unfortunately we never got to go then as my cancer was acting up. In fact soon I would find out my medicine had stopped working and my cancer was spreading. Fear and worry was in the air. 

However, a year later here I was not in the movie theater but in my own house about to watch what I once missed. Tonight as I watched the movie the tears of yesterday year came back to me. I knew in my heart I owed God a big thanks for stopping me from seeing the movie back then because neither my grandkids nor I would have been strong enough to listen to the message it had to give. 

In the heart of the story one of the characters finds out she has cancer and her boyfriend leaves her.  Another character was mad at God because his mom died from cancer when he was a little boy. His argument was how can you believe in a God who allows such a thing to happen. The girl with cancer was hoping what she was hearing about God was true because she knew she was dying. 

To listen to her cry out, "I'm dying I'm dying," brought tears to my eyes as I heard it in my own voice. A voice once crying out in the wilderness of despair and pain at a concert one night I had went to with my family. Crying silently inward drowning in my own pain were the words, "I'm dying I'm dying, this could be my last concert I'll ever see. What exactly did tomorrow have to hold?"

Self pity and fear was in the air and like in the movie I needed someone to remind me God wasn't dead He was more than alive. Slowly that message was reinforced in my heart as it was in the movie. One by one the characters in the story, thanks to a young boy, came to the conclusion God wasn't dead. In fact He was surely alive as the Newsboys put it in their song.


Just because we get cancer or dad comes down with dementia or mom has a major stroke or a child dies in a car accident doesn't make God dead. Life happens as it happens to all of us. What we do with what happens is up to us. 

Getting mad at God won't change the circumstances. Blaming Him and the world isn't going to improve the situation. Running into a dark corner to hide won't bring light to an already dark situation. Drinking our fears away may work for a night but they always seem to return to haunt us another day. 

The best thing we can do is to know God isn't dead. He hasn't left us or forsaken us just because things happen. It's because He is alive that we can live for all eternity if we so choose. 

Lately I've been told by several people that if God calls me home the one thing they will miss the most about me is my writing. To God be the glory on that one. It's because He is alive I am able to write thru a gift He has given me. The ink may be mine but the words are His. It's a gift that has allowed me to leave a paper trail to Jesus for those around me to follow. 

It would do us all good to remember God is as alive as we allow Him to be in our lives. However, it's important to realize He's never as dead as we make Him out to be simply because He lives. 

To quote a famous song once written, "because He lives I can face..." a lot of things such as:
Because He lives I can face my cancer. 
Because He lives I can face my dad's dementia. 
Because He lives I can face my mother not being able to talk to me because of her stroke. 
Because He lives I am able to face the pain alcohol can cause to some people or the pain of my cancer. 
Because He lives I can smile when the world tells me I should really be crying. 
Because He lives I can get out of bed in the morning when my cancer stricken body says 'No stay in, you've got a good excuse.'
Because He lives I can go to church in pain and come out refreshed and ready to face tomorrow 

Because He lives we all can face tomorrow. It doesn't matter how many we have left to face we can face them. 

So to you my wig wearing grandkids with me tonight and all my others whether mine by blood or adopted by love I say to you, "This is the trail I leave you on because God lives so does grandma. And so can you. Seek God, the one who's more than surely alive."

Love forever, 

Grandma 

Copyright 2015 Karen J Gillett @ Pencil Marks and Recipe Publishing

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Karen's Crossing~~~God Has Your Number

Luke 12:6-8New King James Version (NKJV) are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins?^[a] And not one of them is forgotten before God. ⁷ But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

Like the cars of a train sometimes they can go by so quickly you can lose count really fast. That is the way it feels like with my hair. It's falling out so quickly I have lost track of the count. Not that I was really trying to count in the first place but you get the point. 

There's been many times I have been able to look at a fallen hair and chuckle that "there goes hair number 749."  As I look at this piece of paper full of what fell out tonight alone I see multiple numbers of counted hair by God himself. Counted because He promises He hasn't forgotten one piece of hair I ever had. He has my number and He has given me His. 

Tomorrow I plan to go wig shopping and I know in my heart no matter what wig I buy its hairs have already been counted by God. The same with the three wigs tucked away in my hope chest from when I was twelve and had brain surgery. God had them numbered for that scared little girl and now for this woman. 

Why is it so difficult to think God would do that for all of us. That its hard to imagine God setting a worth on us to the point He takes the time to number our hair. This is a promise from the book of Luke I have been holding on to one strand of hair at a time. 

However, shame on me though to think the thought that its hard to believe God puts that much worth on us. He has always cared and valued us or He wouldn't have sent His Son Jesus in to rescue us from our sins. Truly a much bigger disease than cancer as it affects everyone. 

Our hairs are numbered for a reason. All of our days are numbered for a reason. Cancer hasn't taken over, God is still in control. I'm glad He has my number. I'm glad I have worth in Him. 

Copyright 2015 Karen J Gillett @Pencil Marks and Recipes Publishing 

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Bruise on My Banana

Recently during a family crisis uncertainty was in the air. Decisions were having to be made that were not easy to make. All of those who were involved tried their best to stay strong for each other. 
As difficult as it was to maintain my strength I managed to stay strong for a short while. Soon the weight of my emotions were starting to take their toll on me. The slightest thing would send me into tears.

For example, the day I found a bruise on my banana that started a flood of tears. As silly as it sounded that was where I was in fighting my emotions as was the case of other family members. Coming together one day we got to giggling about our emotional state. We all were at that delicate moment of crying at the littlest thing like a bruise on our banana.

What started out a critical moment soon turned into a time of laughter and comfort. Giggling about the emotion of crying over a simple bruise on our banana took our minds off the seriousness of the business at hand.

Too often we allow the little and big things in life to get to us and emotional havoc takes over. We lose site of the shore we should landing on and that's the one belonging to Jesus. We make the bruise on our banana to be something more than what it needs to be.

It's important we turn to God for our comfort and strength. Once found and properly applied its up to us to use that to help others. Help others to overcome and conquer their strongest emotional states when even a simple bruise on their banana can send them into tears.

There is no doubt about it, our feelings are fickle, and they can't be trusted or relied upon. We need to reach out and rely on what is reliable and that is God himself. Trusting in His strength, the promises of His word and the comfort in  His strength, power, and love. Standing by the truth that greater is He (God) that is in our hearts than any bruise on a banana.

It's time to giggle, its time to rely on God. Toss those bruised bananas and trust in God.


Copyright 2015 Karen J Gillett @ Pencil Marks and Recipes Publishing.

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Karen's Crossing~~~That Little Bit Of Light

Church service was going well. Praise and worship to my King of kings were strong and vibrant. The presence of The Lord could be felt filling the far corners of the sanctuary.

Unfortunately also present were the feelings of pain and weakness that followed me into the room. Emotions that needed dealt with that refused to stay home while I went to church.

After singing praises to God it was time for communion. As I reached for the bread and cup to participate the light reflecting from the communion juice caught my attention. Instantly there was a message there for me. The message being no matter how much light shines up at me it doesn't matter. God loves me and I got proof.

The proof being that little bit of light shining up at me. The light that says no matter how small, it carries a big torch. It has a lot to offer me as it lights my path, gives me hope and strength for tomorrow.

It doesn't matter where my cancer spreads I will always have that little bit of light shining back at me. The only light I need to see me thru. Days come and go, darkness comes and go but that can't be my focus. My focus needs to be that little bit of light shining back at me.

Communion is a time of remembrance of what Christ did for us but that light shining back at me has its own memories to give. Memories of how God has often rescued me from the dark many times. It didn't take much light to walk me out, what it took was me being willing to follow it out instead of complaining about the lighting system.

Cancer is a dark thing to face as many other chronic diseases. Such as the teenage girl back in the hospital fighting her heart failure. The parents who hurt painfully as they make arrangements for their little girls funeral who died of cancer.

We need to stay strong and not give up hope in God and that little bit of light that shines back at us. The light is still there. It may have shifted around in the cup but it never goes out. Let it capture your attention. Let it draw into your heart and always remember no matter what darkness in life we may encounter we still have that little bit of light shining back at us.

Praise the Lord!

Copyright 2015 Karen J Gillett at Pencil Marks and Recipes Publishing


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Karen's Crossing~~~while I Wait

Today I went to the oncology radiation doctor. His task this day was to asses the bone pain in my left hip. He wanted to see if doing radiation therapy on it could improve my quality of life.

As I filled out some simple forms I came to a question. They asked if I had any spiritual beliefs. I marked yes and then it asked, "why do you think your spiritual belief can help you in your current situation." My answer to the question was, "God is my Father and we have a close relationship."

As my husband looked over my shoulder trying to read my answers, what I just wrote caught his attention. Turning to me he asked me why I wrote that. I told him they asked why I thought my spiritual belief helped me.

To me the answer was simple, God is my Heavenly Father and because of our close relationship I am helped. God and I have walked closely together ever since I was in grade school. He is my Father and He takes care of me. I have always trusted in Him and had faith in Him and He has never failed me yet.

Even today the doctor asked me if I thought God was picking on me. I told him it may feel that way but in reality no God doesn't pick on certain people. God is looking more at maturing and educating us thru the difficult times. He is more interested in how we handle our situations.

Praise The Lord God is not finished with us yet. We are in His mould being properly shaped for all eternity. My job is to be patient and obedient to any commands he gives me while I wait.


Copyright 2015 Karen J Gillett @ Pencil Marks and Recipes Publishing
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Karen's Crossing~~~~~ Finishing Well

The day hadn't  start all that well. My cancer pain had gone beyond the limits of my pain patch. It had been awhile since it had been this bad. I almost forgot what it was like. With the use of my cane and extra pain meds I managed to get around to the finish. 

A good nap was helping for me to cope too. As I started to feel better I decided to go to town and meet my daughter at the bank before going shopping. As my grandson, granddaughter, and myself traveled to town we had a surprise waiting for us on the road. 

As I drove down a hill at sixty miles per hour a car was at the bottom wanting to turn left crossing my line of traffic. With her blinker on she had plenty of time to perform her task. Why she didn't I don't know. Her idea of turning left was to ride in my lane straight at me without a care in the world. 

As I got closer I hit my breaks, honked my horn, and skid along the pavement creating a nice pillar of blue smoke filled with the aroma of burnt rubber. Finally she slowly decide to exit my lane stage left. Scared by the whole incident I pulled over and began to cry. My granddaughter called her mom and told her to come to the canal as soon as possible. 

After a lot of tears I finally was fit to drive the rest of the way to town. As I did I thought about the angels that had to have been riding on my bumper that day. It was the rubber from their sneakers that safely screeched the car to a stop. 

Later at Wal Mart the checkout lady ask me if I was having a nice day. I told her, "well it started out a bad cancer day then I was almost in a head-on collision as I drive to town." As the lady apologize for my day I told her it was ok because I planned to finish it well because I so choose to do so. 

Enough of this bad stuff, I wasn't going to let it all get to me to the point where my whole day was shot because of it. In spite of starting off bad I wanted it to finish well. 

Like my cancer I had always felt like I had angels on my bumper watching over me. Angels used by God to keep me safe emotionally and spiritually in my life in order that I may finish well. 

Finish well the life created in my mother's womb that gave birth to me. Finishing well the task I was assigned as mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, writer, and so much more. 

Cancer wasn't going to make my task easy but God was going to make it possible. Circumstances in certain situations was slowing me down but it's God's speed that things happen anyway. Emotions were at their worse behavior but the joy I felt in the Lord was so much more effective. 

Finishing well the day that started out so bad was a choice. Just as finishing well my tasks on earth. Even Jesus knew when to say, "It is finished." And oh how he finished well. 

As I told my friend about my day's adventure I told her, "honestly Kay I don't try to live life on the edge. It just seems like the edge finds me.  What I truly want to find for me is the task of finishing well for The Lord."  

Years ago I painted a wall hanging that said, " God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things!! Right now I am so far behind....I will never die!"

It was funny at the time but now I see more than a touch of humor behind it. Whether we don't finish our tasks on earth will not postpone or speed up our departure from it. We should want to finish well and not leave behind the Lord's work He has given us to do. 

Thirty some years after painting the wall hanging I would like to change it to say, "God has put Karen on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Because she is so far ahead she was able to depart early to further works of The Lord awaiting for her in Heaven."

She finished well. She finished well. 

A goal for all to meet. 

Copyright January 2015 Karen J Gillett @Pencil Marks and Recipes Publishing. 

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Last Drop of Ink

Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to be a singer. Unfortunately that gift was handed out to other members of my family around me but definitely not to me. Over forty years later God showed me why in a different plan for my life. 

God revealed to me that through the gift of writing I was using my voice in a different way. It was thru writing. In my recent discovery of lung cancer at times I get out of breath singing and I think of how Satan is trying to silence my voice. I instantly realized that he may be able to silence my voice from singing but until the last drop of ink or the last stroke of the typing of my words he cannot silence my voice through my writing.

No matter what amount of cancer I get I will not let him make null and void of my words for Jesus and my loved ones. Long after I am gone I still want there to be a power in my voice to where there is no last drop of ink or final typing stroke. 

As Psalm 45:1 says "my heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; my tongue is the pen of a ready writer." I want that good theme reciting about the King to be what I actually do through the pen of a ready writer willing to talk about Christ. 

Also through my writing I pray I do through it what was said in Psalm 71:18,24 which says,  "to declare God's strength to this generation and even to generations to come. I want my pen to be my tongue in talking of God's righteousness all day long." 

May my typing, my final drop of ink be my writing that is written for the next generations as spoken of in Psalm 102:18. Someone did it for my generation and its important we don't drop the ball now or should I say pen on the next generation. 

The choice is mine whether I am going to let cancer silence my pen or make the sound of it grow louder. I'd rather it grew louder and louder into a thing that can't stop shouting for the Lord. 

Doing so down to the last drop of ink. Down to the final stroke of typing. God is good. God is real. God is able to save anyone. Therefore let us raise our voices and pens together and get the message out by shouting about the Lord to the next generation. 

It is up to us that there will never be a last drop of ink, never a last stroke, never a last piece of paper when it comes to declaring God to the next generation. Praise The Lord. 

Copyright 2015 Karen J Gillett @ Pencil marks and Recipes Publishing

A Fluff and a Buff, Please

Work was over, if that is what you could call it. The day had been wild. Laughter was rolling around the room faster than the tears were able to roll down our cheeks. It felt good to be goofy as it helped to relieve any tensions deep down inside. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end and it was time to come home and prepare for class at the church. Between the journeys from work to my class a dent was put in my spirit due to the things going on at home. Hesitating for a moment to assess the damage, I thought for sure I was fit enough to go on to class.

Wearing my “feelings on my shoulder” as I remained shook up from the recent dent I got in my spirit; it didn’t take much to make me “dent-shy,” if Webster will forgive me. It reminded me of the time I was hit by a drunk driver. For a long time afterwards the slightest movement made me jump. One day as a friend of my daughter’s was riding with me she stated, “Boy you can tell she was recently in a wreck.”

Sure enough, not to anyone’s fault emotionally it was easy to tell I was acting a little “dent-shy” as I didn’t want to be hurt again. All it took was one comment from someone in my class to make me crumble against the affects of my first dent that evening. I felt as if I was beyond being able to shine again to the point where no amount of fluffing or buffing could put my spirit back to where it needed to be.

In the midst of my pain God reminded me of the time prior to my second brain surgery. One day at my parents’ ranch I stood near the cattle in the field wondering what was in store just days ahead when my surgery was scheduled. Nervously I began to cry, and then I stopped myself, thinking I’m not going to waste any prayers. The same holds true 10 years after my surgery, “I’m not going to waste any prayers. I am not going to let God’s work come back useless,” I thought to myself.  I knew in my heart God had done a lot of spiritual body work in me mixed with the many prayers sent ahead on my behalf. Both were fluffed and buffed together with the price Christ had to pay for me to be a free woman, not one bound by the trials in life. All of which were things not to be wasted.

To some within the church I must have looked like an emotional wreck being brought in on a weekly basis via a tow truck. Surprisingly enough at the time we had just that, a red and white tow truck that came to church each Sunday. Thinking about that I began to chuckle as I thought about how the tow-truck of life is there to bring us to church for repair not to take us away. We need to have the attitude that we will not allow God’s work to be useless, permitting ourselves to be something that’s good for only parts whenever needed.

To me over the years the church had served as my “spiritual body shop.” It was a place to go to get the dings out, a new paint job, redone, refreshed, re-fixed, refueled, “A fluff and a buff if you would please.” I knew in my heart the only person who can tag me “totaled” was myself. One day God’s going to lovingly reach down from heaven with a big grin on His face with a sign that says “total” as in “complete,” not “totaled” as a wreck.

Until then we need to hold on to the promise Hebrew 4:16 gives us when it tells us, “So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it.” We don’t have to be ashamed of our dents. We don’t have to get the dents out first. We don’t have to do it alone. We can do it today and any day with God’s help. Once completed, oh what a shine as His glory serves as our new paint job reflecting His love, grace, and mercy.

“A fluff and a buff, please.” A fluff and a buff.

Copyright 2000 Karen J Gillett @ Pencil Marks and Recipe Publishing 

A Feathered Pillow for All

As I rose this evening from bed to wander in the nearby bathroom the mirror caught my attention. The two incisions made in my neck and shoulder reminded me of my situation. "You have cancer and your infusions you've been trying to avoid start Monday." "Yeah, yeah I know. I don't need to be reminded," I answered back. 

After going back to bed a piece of paper in my opened Bible caught my attention. It asked the question 'what does having God in your life do for you?' Being a much better thing to dwell on rather than my port catheter in my neck for my chemo treatment, I chose to fall back to sleep on the light feathered comfort of the second pillow. 

With a smile on my face and a song of praise in my heart I told my mind what direction to take and it took it. Like Psalms 103:2 and following, I listed all the benefits of having God in my life. 

1. Strength. If it wasn't for God's strength I would have no strength at all. 

2. Stability. I am anchored on the rock of Jesus that will never move. Therefore I am promised I wont be shaken. 

3. Security. I am not only safe but saved in the arms of Jesus. He is building me a home just for me. I expect lots of Holstein cows and country style decor awaiting me. 

4. Loved. I couldn't feel more loved than I do with God. That seems impossible because of the love I receive from my family and friends is overwhelming. Thanks everyone. 

5. Welcomed. I am welcomed into God's family with open arms. I fit in because of Jesus. 

6. Not lost. Wandering around aimlessly for so long lost in the muck and mire of life's circumstances God found me and found a spot for me in His herd of lost sheep. He never gave up on me. 

7. Belonged. It's a bad feeling, feeling as if you don't belong. No matter what the local church might make you feel, we belong. We belong to God if we so choose to accept His offer to come to Him. I love it. 

8. Cared for. I feel cared for by God in the way He watches over me, talks to me, gives me His spirit to sustain me. 

9. Happy. I couldn't be more happier than I am in Christ. Material possessions don't count because they are not needed to feel a sense of joy and happiness in God. 

10. Blessed. No matter what my situations say out loud, in my heart I know I am blessed because of God. He hasn't chosen me as His favorite and made me rich and famous but its the fact that He has chosen me. I have things like my good health outside of cancer, eyes that see, ears that still hear, a heart that functions well, and a brain that still operates. Somewhat! Ha ha. I have great family and friends. Just recently a friend from over 20 years contacted me on Facebook. Talk about a blessing, it was awesome. Another tool God is using to bless me. 

11. Helped. Cancer and other things can put us in a situation where we feel helpless and often even hopeless. With God I have felt and seen where He has helped me many times. He has never left me stranded along the side of the road of life. He leads me to clear calm water and to other places I need to be. He helps me to cross bridges that appear to be frightening. He holds on tight to my hand and encourages me. 

12. Satisfied. With God in my life He is all I need or really want. I am satisfied in my soul because of Him. I don't have to work my way up some imaginary scale to make myself feel satisfied. I don't need substances such as money, food, alcohol, or drugs to feel satisfied. I am satisfied completely in Christ. 

13. Forgiven. It's a good feeling to know you are forgiven. Too often I have messed up in life and I couldn't have made it without knowing God forgives when I am willing to repent and correct that which is wrong in my life. 

14. Comforted. God knows my circumstances and He comforts me. He gets me through them one at a time. He may not lead me around them but He sees me thru life's storms in a strong comforting way letting me know He is there, with me all the way. That is a big comfort. 

15.  

The list I am sure could go on and on but at last my weary eyes and heart are ready to surrender. Sleep is what my eyes seek while my heart and mind chase after God and that list of what He does for me. 

Snuggled within the reminder of what He does for me I can lay to rest my cancer, the physical pain it creates, the tears shed, the fear felt, the unknown ahead. Instead I lay upon the pillow feathered with God's love and comfort as He tucks His daughter into bed once more. 

Ever so softly and gently I can feel Him leaning down to kiss my forehead as He whispers once again, "I am with you my sweet one. I will never leave you nor forsake you. You can count on that for number 15 on your list. I am not through with you yet." 

The words from God were what I needed to hear. Truly a feathered pillow for all. A comfort list for many. 

Copyright 2015 Karen J Gillett @ Pencil Marks and Recipes Publishing 

Sent from my iPhone

Lemonade Anyone?

 

The news at the doctor's office wasn't good. The cancer that had entered my body four years earlier had made its way to my bones, liver and now my lungs. Tears of fear flooded my eyes as I drove home trying my best to be strong for my two grandkids who were with me and for those who were not.

As I began to drive home the silence of the car was interrupted by a message God had for me in between the flows of tears watering my cheeks. He said, "Lemonade anyone?" I knew instantly what God meant. As the old saying goes, "When life hands you a lemon you make lemonade."

Life had just handed me another lemon, the sour thing called cancer, and the only way to get thru it was to make something good from it. Something refreshing and pleasant. A lemon by itself can be very sour but with the right ingredients it can turn into something very delicious such as lemonade. Something that really hits the spot when swallowed bringing a refreshing feeling.

I may had just got my "lemon" but it wasn't too early to set out my lemonade stand.  As I thought about it I thought of the lemonade stand our granddaughter Marissa set up once. With very little customers she finally had someone who wanted some lemonade. The lady had passed by our house once but returned. After getting out of her car she bought her cup of lemonade from the little 7 year old girl on the front porch of Marissa's house. After getting her drink she handed Marissa a silver dollar and a silver dollar for her two younger sisters as well. she explained to us that she had a lemonade stand as a kid and no one would stop and buy any. She vowed as an adult to stop at every lemonade stand and buy a cup with a silver dollar that she would quickly run to the bank for as she did for our granddaughters.

It's important that we learn how to make the right kind of lemonade with our sour lemon or misfortunes that life hands us. There are some situations that are hard to overcome but with Jesus as our main ingredient its possible. It may not get us out of the situation we are in but it will certainly get us through it as a cold glass of lemonade gets us through a hot summer day.

Trust in God mixed with a lot of faith makes a fine cup of lemonade. The praises and thankfulness we give to God for that which is good in our lives outside of what is going on makes for great ice cubes to keep our drink cool and delightful. I may find it hard to be thankful for cancer but I can thank God for my family, my ability to still get around, friends, bright sunny days, warm winter nights in front of a fireplace and so much more.

Whether we want it or not life will hand us a lemon sooner or later. Some could open their own fruit stand with all the lemons they get but its our choice what we are going to do with what we have been handed. I don't know about you but I choose lemonade. Years ago when I had epilepsy I had chose the route of bitterness, anger, self-pity and failure and it got me no where but further into a slump I didn't need to live within. A true picture of, been there done that, wasn't worth it.

Lemonade anyone?

P.S. And another thought is the fact that we need to stop by and visit other people's lemonade stands and support them. With my cancer people have been doing just that for me and my family. The silver dollars of encouragement have poured in from all sides. For example tonight, 20 minutes after talking to his boss my husband got a return phone call. "Don,' his boss said, 'I called some people and its all set up. You will have a job for the next several months and will be immediately transferred to this other one after that." The burden of trying to keep his insurance going to cover my medical needs was lifted off at last from a very heavy heart. With a choking sound in his voice when he got off the phone Don said, "I don't know what to say." I told him, "Let's say thank you Lord  and praise you God." Indeed the Lord of my life had dropped in again to visit a lemonade stand I had set up.  Father God, thank you for the ingredients You've always supplied to make it all possible. Ingredients such as strength, trust, mercy, grace, love, patience, and understanding. Love you Lord, thank you for loving me.



Copyright 2015 Karen Gillett @ Pencil Marks and Recipes Publishing

Karen's Crossing~~~~But As For Me

In the Bible several times in the Psalms they use the phrase "but as for me." In Psalms 71:14,16 it doesn't say that but I am writing in those words to match the ones in my heart. "But 'as for me' I will hope continually, and praise You yet more and more. I will go in the strength of The Lord God."

The psalmist here was telling about how he had made God his trust, hope, refuge, rock, and his youth. He then talks about how he wants God to deliver him from his enemies. From there we hook up with a big BUT to verses 14 and 16 I just wrote about. 

This was a scripture I had picked out the morning of a doctor's appointment. As I tried to get my expectors out of the closet to expect the best this scripture gave me three things to help me with my task. It told me to hope continually, praise God more and more, and to go in the strength of The Lord. 

There I had it balled up in three things I needed to do. All through the morning I thought of these three things. I realized in my heart when you pray it's not only to ask something of God its to get our own instructions and I did. I had my job to do while God did His. 

At last my appointment time had arrived or so I thought. I was off by two hours. Two hours early wasn't going to be easy to kill but my granddaughters and I went to a museum in the area that worked just fine. Little did I know it was God who tampered with my schedule putting the extra one in front of 1:30 to arrange His time to talk with me.  

Once at the museum laughter was in the air as my 13 and 11 year old granddaughters tried to push me up and down the hills in a wheelchair. I'm sure it was  more fun for me than them. 

After the museum it was finally time for my real appointment. Thus I returned at my regularly scheduled time. The first thing the doctor asked was do you want your granddaughters to hear your results. My heart fell from my chest just to splatter on the floor. I knew the news was bad. 

My efforts to keep my expectors high started failing fast when I brought out my scripture for the day. With an added "as for me" clause I quickly connected it to the rest. "As for me, I will hope continually, praise Him more and more, and go in His strength." There was no added clause from God nor me that said "if only things are going good."  I still had my job to do it and I did. I had to be strong for the kids and myself and doing as the scripture told me too helped. 

As my granddaughter Brooke struggled and pushed hard to get me up a hill at the museum it was my turn to get behind the chair to struggle hard to get me up the emotional hill I was facing. The hill of finding out my cancer was now officially in my lungs and oral chemo was no longer an option. Suddenly I was out of breath like Brooke and Jayleena in their efforts and I hadn't even started. 

I had come to a hill and I knew that hoping in God continually would do the trick. I couldn't stop hoping now over some bad news. Often that is when we need hope the most. I couldn't break the continue cycle now or I'd roll down backwards the steep slope I just climbed. The end results would be the same as if the girls gave up on pushing me and back down the hills I would go only to crash at the bottom. I don't want to crash at the bottom. 

Next thing to do was to praise God more and more. This was easy. What!? Easy?  Yes easy. I learned with my epileptic seizures the negative results of worrying and getting upset over things. They were uncontrolled stress seizures that dominated my life for twelve years. I also learned good or bad we need to praise God and be thankful. 

We don't have to thank him for our cancer or the car accident or the disease that took a love ones life. Our job is to be thankful to God for who He is and His blessings. No I can't say my cancer is one if His blessings. But what I glean from it and others could be the blessing. 

As my husband and I cried and hugged each other he told me he felt like we were being punished. I told him it does feel that way but God doesn't operate that way. It says so in the Bible when he went to cure a blind man. John 9:1-5. Someone asked Jesus who sinned, him or his parents to cause him to be born blind. Jesus replied "neither. But the works of God should be revealed in him."  

Awesome, that gives me grounds for more and more praise as God's

 work is revealed in my life, possibly my healing. It could happen, I have my hope and trust. If it doesn't happen this is happening to grab hold of my family and revealing in themselves how to love and trust God. Learning to see God as I always have and to draw near to Him walking simultaneous with Him not two or three steps behind or ahead. 

As far as part three of my job that's easy. I often feel I have no strength at all and I have been living off borrowed strength from Jesus all along. Trying to use my own strength years ago would have ended up in a suicide mission in myself both physically and spiritually. 

Our best reliable source of strength is Jesus. It last longer than the candy bar we ate for strength or the beer we guzzled for strength or the food we gorged down for strength. All may be temporary resources but we need lasting results. It is thru Jesus and the reading of his word that we get that. 

Yep, as for me I turn to Jesus. My continual hope, everlasting praise, and supplier of unbeatable strength. 

Whew! I'm out of breath or finger strokes I should say as I rattled on and on. Thanks for stopping by. Hope you had a great read.    Karen

Copyright 2015 Karen J Gillett at Pencil Marks and Publishing 

Sent from my iPhone

Karen's Crossing~~~A Special Chair

Thank you Lord for today's sermon and the added blessings You put in this day for me.     Luv, Karen

Indeed it was a very special day in church as my gang and I selfishly and proudly took up the entire back row of chairs or "pew" as I want to call it. Even the special chair at the end of the pew designed just for me was filled. 

Arriving earlier than even the preacher we were able to capture the remembrance of the occasion with a group photo shot. However, what this grandma hopes is that each grandchild who was there will capture in their hearts the memories of going to church with grandma. 

Memories of the music sang, words spoken and feelings captured as we worshipped the Lord in many ways. Also laying hold of the memory of the Coleman camping chair that for the last four years had found its way into a sanctuary of color coded maroon chairs. The chair grandma had to use just to be able to sit in church comfortably with her bone cancer. A chair with arms to help me up and down and a cushion to absorb the pain in my spine and pelvis. 

My continued prayer is that each will know that whether there is pain in the "offering" they still need to come and worship God. It doesn't matter if the pain is from losing their grandma to cancer or a relationship gone bad or a fractured leg or finance issues we need to find ways to come and worship. For me and my cancer it was testing out camping chairs that would do the trick for me to worship God each Sunday in the church. 

Last thing to burn into our memories for the day would have to be the words of the sermon given. Words of encouragement letting us know how much God loves His children. It was stressed that whenever we bring joy to our Heavenly Father it is worship and being in His presence brings on that joy. A type of joy that overflows on to us as well and strengths our spiritual needs. 

Sitting in that sanctuary are many 'special' chairs. Each designed for us personally with our name on it. Each made for our special needs. They are not designed as thrones for us to rule from but as special chairs designed to be in God's presence absorbing His love for us.  

It would do us well to enter that presence and claim the special chair at the end of the pew. The place where hope, strength, love, forgiveness and so much more is found. 

Copyright 2015 Karen J Gillett at Pencil Marks and Recipes Publishing.