Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Karen's Crossings~~~~~~ An Upward Climb

Be there at noon!” was the orders from Wayne, our chauffeur. The pastor from our church who had preached there for 27 years before he retired had finally graduated to heaven. A two hour trip over a mountain pass to his funeral was our way of saying “Goodbye and thanks.”

Coming fully supplied for the trip I had my crochet project I was working on, my Bible to read, and my cane. I didn’t know if I would need the crochet project or Bible for entertainment purposes but I knew for sure I would need the cane. The trip over and back in one afternoon wasn’t going to set well with my body and I was right. It was a good thing Wayne thought of bringing along a step ladder to help those who needed it into the van.

As we made our first pit stop in Mill City the task of getting out of the van was difficult. After sitting for over an hour my legs and hips just didn’t seem to want to move. With the help of Wayne and Toni, one of the passengers I managed to get out.

While walking to the restroom I felt a touch of self-pity start to zoom in on my spirit. The memories of long ago when I hated to be babysat when I had seizures flooded in as I found myself in that position again with my cancer. As I attempted to shake the feelings it was creating within me I began to wonder where in the world is the hole to the funnel.

Hole to what funnel? The funnel that seems to suck you in so quickly and unexpectedly into that pity me, I’m worthless, I’m no good, I’m a nuisance to those around me, I ‘m a bother to have to babysit, and the list goes on. There I was sucked in and hanging on the edge peeking out. In an attempt to keep these negative thoughts from making a nest in my head and staying longer than they should I fought against them till they were shaken lose.

Yes I had more important things to concentrate on, like my walking. To step up into the van I always had to hesitate and decide which leg I wanted to use to make that first step. A couple of times people had to push me gently in my back to help in the boost upward. As the journey went on and the pain got worse I found myself concentrating on each step I took as if it required every brain cell I had to get me to move one leg at least two inches forward.

Finally while sitting at the funeral I had what I call my “pain ball” in one hand I use to squeeze whenever the sharp pains hit where my bone cancer is and my cane in the other I was on my way to surviving this ordeal. One of the ladies traveling on the van with me asked me at the funeral if I was having trouble with my knee. I told her “No” I have bone cancer throughout my entire skeletal system. “Oh, I didn’t know,” she said.

Sometimes I wish it was only my knee that was giving me trouble, or a backache that was going to resolve itself after a good massage. As much as I would like to wake up from my cancer only to find it was just a dream I know better. For the rest of my life, each step I take will have to be measured with caution. Some will be good and some will be hard to do like the one inch decline in the sidewalk at the funeral site that was difficult to do after hurting so much.

I could choose to lock myself up and never go out due to the pain but I don’t want to do that. I want to go on living the best I can. Doing so will no doubt create more pain than I already feel constantly but that’s okay because eventually it settles down. I may be thinking more on the negative side but I wonder sometimes if I will someday wind up in a wheelchair unable to walk at all and if that’s the case I’d like to get in what I can now while I can.

Indeed to do so may require a helping hand from a love one, a shove in the back to boost me up, an extra step stool, a hug or a smile to put a little light on a darken path but that’s okay. The important thing is that I go thru it all with the right attitude. Just because I require the use of a cane once in a while to walk physically I shouldn’t need a cane to walk spiritually and emotionally if I keep my attitude healthy.

Long ago with my epilepsy I learned that “pity me” is a shovel that will only dig us in further to the pit in life we find ourselves fallen in to. The right attitude is the ladder needed to climb out of the places that would like to swallow us alive. Therefore, we need to put away our canes and climb the ladder upward toward God with the attitude needed to get us there and the faith in Him required to succeed. Succeed in anything, even cancer.

Thanks everyone who helped me the other day and every day of my life. I appreciate it so much. It’s people like you that helps in the upward climb in a task that seems to want to go anywhere but up. As far as my spiritual life goes, my cane is gone, I’ve been set free thanks to Jesus, I will succeed.


© 2013 Karen J. Gillett at Pencil Marks and Recipe Publishing for Karen’s Crossing

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