Coming fully supplied for the trip I had my crochet project I was working on, my Bible to read, and my cane. I didn’t know if I would need the crochet project or Bible for entertainment purposes but I knew for sure I would need the cane. The trip over and back in one afternoon wasn’t going to set well with my body and I was right. It was a good thing Wayne thought of bringing along a step ladder to help those who needed it into the van.
While walking to the restroom I felt a touch of self-pity start to zoom in on my spirit. The memories of long ago when I hated to be babysat when I had seizures flooded in as I found myself in that position again with my cancer. As I attempted to shake the feelings it was creating within me I began to wonder where in the world is the hole to the funnel.
Hole to what funnel? The funnel that seems to suck you in so quickly and unexpectedly into that pity me, I’m worthless, I’m no good, I’m a nuisance to those around me, I ‘m a bother to have to babysit, and the list goes on. There I was sucked in and hanging on the edge peeking out. In an attempt to keep these negative thoughts from making a nest in my head and staying longer than they should I fought against them till they were shaken lose.
Yes I had more important things to concentrate on, like my walking. To step up into the van I always had to hesitate and decide which leg I wanted to use to make that first step. A couple of times people had to push me gently in my back to help in the boost upward. As the journey went on and the pain got worse I found myself concentrating on each step I took as if it required every brain cell I had to get me to move one leg at least two inches forward.
Sometimes I wish it was only my knee that was giving me trouble, or a backache that was going to resolve itself after a good massage. As much as I would like to wake up from my cancer only to find it was just a dream I know better. For the rest of my life, each step I take will have to be measured with caution. Some will be good and some will be hard to do like the one inch decline in the sidewalk at the funeral site that was difficult to do after hurting so much.
Thanks everyone who helped me the other day and every day of my life. I appreciate it so much. It’s people like you that helps in the upward climb in a task that seems to want to go anywhere but up. As far as my spiritual life goes, my cane is gone, I’ve been set free thanks to Jesus, I will succeed.
© 2013 Karen J. Gillett at Pencil Marks and Recipe Publishing for Karen’s Crossing