Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Karen's crossing. Oh what a day. UPDATED

 As a woman, well over forty, I should know by now that when I am having an emotional day starting even before 5:00am that I should crawl back in bed and start over at least five hours later. Ha ha. Yesterday was that kind of day. Choosing to watch a movie instead of the morning news I picked one I had never seen before.

It was a movie about a woman dying of cancer. All the emotions she was dealing with were ones I have felt myself. It opened up and released all those things I was carrying inside of me. When that happened the flood water of tears just poured.

The lady talked about how she couldn't believe this was her life. As I struggle sometimes to stand up I think that myself. A common viewpoint taken by anyone that is dealing with something major I am sure. This certainly was not how I pictured my life but who can vision truly what their life is exactly going to turn out to be.

Another shared emotion was the fact she felt cheated. I feel cheated out of having fun verses pain, out of being able to do whatever I want with my grandkids and family with no interference from cancer. I feel cheated out of having a normal life. Cancer or not who is to say what a normal life looks like. Since I can't say then how could I be cheated out of it? No one snuck cancer in me when I wasn't looking to cheat me or do anything to me. Truly we cheat ourselves out of a lot of stuff by hanging on to pity, shame, anger and so much more.

The next shared emotion was feeling like I let my family down. In the beginning I remember looking at my first cancer bill. I thought I really let my family down like I was running up some kind of a shopping spree bill. I felt like I let my daughter down and the grandkids as well as my husband. Unable to be totally independent occasionally I was going to need to be cared for, making me a more of burden than a blessing. Truly the only way I can let them down is by having the wrong attitude, by giving up instead of fighting and allowing my cancer to be stronger than me. The only time I could become a burden to them is if I start to carry the wrong attitude in my heart. Out of the question also is the attitude of just sitting around feeling sorry for myself throwing pity party after pity party. Thanks to the Lord and having Jesus in my life I have been given the ability to do and be what I need in order to succeed.

Then there was the shared feeling of, "I can deal with the cancer I have. I just can't deal with what is yet to come." That kind of thinking is borrowing from tomorrow's trouble. Jesus himself said today has enough trouble of its own. Boy if that isn't true as my “today” proved it.
My appointment with my oncology doctor was supposed to be a checkup from my mouth sores; I had no idea something else would come of that. After sharing my latest aches and pains to my doctor I found out I may be experiencing one of my first “side effects” of the medications I take. Evidently the medicine used to keep my bone cancer pain down to a bearable level has a tendency to breakdown the cheekbone. Between the look on my doctor’s face and the sound of the news fear came over me. Truly another feeling I must have shared with the lady in the movie.
After leaving the doctor’s office I went out to the car where mom was resting from our journey for the day. I wanted to let her know I would be a little longer as a CAT scan was being ordered on my face. The minute I saw her and she looked at me the tears began. Instantly the look on her face changed from “Oh now we can go home” to “I’m so sorry honey, is there anything I can do to help?”
Instantly as I got into the car to talk with her she put her one good arm around me to give me a hug. Still as I remember the vision of her doing that the tears want to flow once more. Her, "Two kind" phrase she says the most since her stroke never sounded so beautiful, it was all the words I need for the comfort I required. The best shared emotion of the day was the love shared between my mom and me.   

Oh “what a day”, as indeed the emotions of the morning had visited my afternoon and dried cheeks soon became wet once more. Tuesday October 2nd I get my test result but in the meantime my bone cancer med has to be held. This means significant pain until I get my treatment, hopefully on that same Tuesday. Medication adjustments need to be made and attitude adjustments as well if need be. My attitude of wanting to crawl back in that hole I longed to find when I was first diagnosed needs to be stopped now as I stand strong in the Lord. Strong in the power of His might and strength no matter what I face.
One “what a” day at a time, one step at a time as I follow the advice I give to my grandkids frequently. And that is the advice of continuing to move forward. There is no time to stop and play victim, my family needs me just as much as they did when I didn’t have cancer. Just as my mom moved forward after her major stroke so shall I.
In God I will trust,
**September 30, 2012 Got my test results and there is no breaking down of my cheekbone that my oncology doctor can see. There is bone cancer there. She told me once I had “significant” amount of bone cancer and this is one of those spots I wasn’t aware of before. I still may need to go to the oral surgeon she said to make sure they don’t see something she missed. The question of my medications again will up for discussion. I can’t wait for my treatment, this bone pain stuff is for the birds... J tweet tweet. I must say it did get me to get my oldest sister to lay down on the floor and let me use her as my footstool. Long story, I’ll have to share with you someday.


nani said...

The strength and grace that you are displaying during your journey humbles me, my friend. Thank you so much for sharing it! I love you!

Anna Hisaw Simpson said...

You are an amazing woman Karen. Thank you so much for sharing your writing, your journey. You write beautifully. Take care.