“We are only what we are in the dark; all the rest is reputation. What God looks at is what we are in the dark- the imaginations of our minds, the thoughts of our heart, the habits of our bodies; these are the things that mark us in God’s sight. Character is what you are in the dark. Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest
Interesting or not the dark seems to bring out what we call our “true colors.” Once when I was going through one of those dark times where things were going bad for whatever reason and struggles were around every corner a little bit of my true color came out. Serving as the fill in secretary at the church when the full time secretary quit it seemed logical to me that I would get the position. My logic wasn’t their logic and looking past me as if I wasn’t even there they gave the job to someone else.
One night at a small group gathering at the preacher’s house as I listened to the praise of the new secretary that was yet to take the position a different shade of me I didn’t want others to see came out. Standing out on the front yard of the preacher’s house what I had locked up inside of me started to come out in loud shouts directed at the preacher. The darkness of the night wasn’t the only thing that could be seen as I spiritually had slipped in the darkness and this group was witnessing my fall.
Devastated by my behavior I stayed away from the church for awhile afraid of letting out more of my “true color” that needed to be painted a different shade. One day I got a visit from one of the people who were there that night. She told me that a little bit of my human side had come out that night but I knew better, it was a different shade of Karen that I didn’t want to be seen. It was a shade reflecting someone who struggled immensely with a low self-worth and self-pity.
Long before the blow-up with the preacher God was already looking at the dark imagines of my mind. He knew the thoughts of my heart, the habit of my body to allow situations to get the best of me. He wasn’t surprised to see the color I was showing because He already saw it was there.
No matter how we try to cover things up they still are there. Being a person allergic to makeup I only keep a small portion of it around to cover up blemishes I wish to hide until they go away. No matter how much makeup I use to cover it the fact remains that its still there. Spiritually we try to do that also. When my life was at its darkest I asked someone once “How much of a front do people want?” I felt I had to come to church and put on this big front on how “happy I really was” when the truth was I was devastated inside my spirit. I covered up in order to keep from falling apart. I wanted to appear strong in order to survive. My weekly trip to the church was used to refuel with the needed strength it was going to take to make it through the week. Some only saw me through my mask while others could see through to my true color, the woman struggling in the dark.
I may have been trying to hide my true emotions and weakness during those times but who I was, how I behaved spiritually, my thoughts, my actions, my words were the true me all the way. How I behaved in the darkness was important to where I stood in my spiritual maturity. I may have fooled a lot of people but God saw me for who I was. He not only saw who I was at the present time but He could see what I could be in the future if I was willing to learn in the darkness. He wouldn’t give up on me in spite of the fact I had already given up on myself as some lost cause.
It’s very important to take a look at who we are in the dark because it is who we are. No cover-girl, no mask can ever change that. If it’s something that doesn’t come out in the right shade then we need to work on it spiritually in our lives with the help of the Holy Spirit. We should never be afraid of the dark but use it to ask our Lord and Savior “What is it you want me to learn during this time? What is my true color and how can I get a different shade?”
Interesting or not the dark seems to bring out what we call our “true colors.” Once when I was going through one of those dark times where things were going bad for whatever reason and struggles were around every corner a little bit of my true color came out. Serving as the fill in secretary at the church when the full time secretary quit it seemed logical to me that I would get the position. My logic wasn’t their logic and looking past me as if I wasn’t even there they gave the job to someone else.
One night at a small group gathering at the preacher’s house as I listened to the praise of the new secretary that was yet to take the position a different shade of me I didn’t want others to see came out. Standing out on the front yard of the preacher’s house what I had locked up inside of me started to come out in loud shouts directed at the preacher. The darkness of the night wasn’t the only thing that could be seen as I spiritually had slipped in the darkness and this group was witnessing my fall.
Devastated by my behavior I stayed away from the church for awhile afraid of letting out more of my “true color” that needed to be painted a different shade. One day I got a visit from one of the people who were there that night. She told me that a little bit of my human side had come out that night but I knew better, it was a different shade of Karen that I didn’t want to be seen. It was a shade reflecting someone who struggled immensely with a low self-worth and self-pity.
Long before the blow-up with the preacher God was already looking at the dark imagines of my mind. He knew the thoughts of my heart, the habit of my body to allow situations to get the best of me. He wasn’t surprised to see the color I was showing because He already saw it was there.
No matter how we try to cover things up they still are there. Being a person allergic to makeup I only keep a small portion of it around to cover up blemishes I wish to hide until they go away. No matter how much makeup I use to cover it the fact remains that its still there. Spiritually we try to do that also. When my life was at its darkest I asked someone once “How much of a front do people want?” I felt I had to come to church and put on this big front on how “happy I really was” when the truth was I was devastated inside my spirit. I covered up in order to keep from falling apart. I wanted to appear strong in order to survive. My weekly trip to the church was used to refuel with the needed strength it was going to take to make it through the week. Some only saw me through my mask while others could see through to my true color, the woman struggling in the dark.
I may have been trying to hide my true emotions and weakness during those times but who I was, how I behaved spiritually, my thoughts, my actions, my words were the true me all the way. How I behaved in the darkness was important to where I stood in my spiritual maturity. I may have fooled a lot of people but God saw me for who I was. He not only saw who I was at the present time but He could see what I could be in the future if I was willing to learn in the darkness. He wouldn’t give up on me in spite of the fact I had already given up on myself as some lost cause.
It’s very important to take a look at who we are in the dark because it is who we are. No cover-girl, no mask can ever change that. If it’s something that doesn’t come out in the right shade then we need to work on it spiritually in our lives with the help of the Holy Spirit. We should never be afraid of the dark but use it to ask our Lord and Savior “What is it you want me to learn during this time? What is my true color and how can I get a different shade?”
© 2009 Karen J. Gillett @ Pencil Marks and Recipes Publishing
4 comments:
Thanks for participating today in IOW. Great post! It is so true that we certainly do learn many lessons in the dark. Blessings friend!
You're so right; no matter how much cover up we may try ...we can't hide who we really are. God sees it all and often what we are on the inside comes out.
I'm so thankful for grace, mercy and forgiveness.
Thanks for your transparency here, Karen. I pray God continues to help us all in the "shading" process.
This was beautiful!
Oh when we allow Him to shine His light into every dark corner then we are free of all of the burden of hiding what He already knows anyway. Then He is able to cleanse us, wash us, allowing our "true colours" to show as we look more and more like Him.
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